I created a fall wreath of found flowers and leaves, and I lived my best life while doing it! Here’s how:

So, here’s the thing, I’m reading a brilliant book called, “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. The reason I’m reading this book is because I had struggled for years to overcome PTSD. Finally, a wonderful therapist and I walked through a therapy built for PTSD called Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). I put in the work, and for the first time in my life, I wasn’t constantly afraid or hyper alert.

Its definitely a different life to not have super high highs and super low lows. It’s nice to not be led on a leash by my emotions. But I felt that there was something missing. I stumbled upon a conversation between Russell Brand and Eckhart Tolle talking about the presence of Being, and being present. That’s what I was missing!!

but I was still struggling with this thing I call, “Mind Movies”

Before I started reading this book, it felt good that my emotions were no longer dictating how I was showing up in the world, but I was still struggling with this thing I call, “Mind Movies”, where I could be doing anything, dishes, going for a walk, and my mind shows me a movie of something that happened in the past, or something that could happen in the future. Problem is, when that happens, I’m not living right now and my mind is in control of me, instead of me being in control of my mind.

So, I decided to do something about it! And here’s where the wreath comes in. I read that it’s easiest to be present when you feel love, joy, or peace. And it’s also easy to feel it when you’re in nature. For me, I feel a great sense of peace in nature and it’s a lovely Autumn, so I said to myself, “Self? Let’s go for a walk, look at the pretty leaves, and collect some and make a wreath!” So that’s what I did!

During this walk I focused on the colors, didn’t put a name or label on anything, just marveled in all the beauty and was present for most of it- which I’m super happy about. I found some yellow leaves, some nice salmon colored ones, some lovely hyacinth. I got super lucky because the city came around and trimmed all the hyacinth trees and left the clippings on the ground, so I just grabbed and armful and put it in my shopping bag.

The marigolds are from Valentine’s day. Matthew surprised me with “make your own bouquet” seeds and we planted the seeds on Valentine’s day and I had flowers for months! These marigolds were the last of the flowers and they looked like fall to me, so I put them in there. You’ll also see these really cool fuchsia colored vines. And those are pokeberry stems! The majority of berries are gone from them because I made pokeberry ink to write with (I’ll do a post on that later) and felt like the stems would make a nice accent color to go with the bright yellow.

There’s some string and twine to tie things as needed, and a readymade wreath made of bundled sticks. To make the wreath I just stuck the stems into the empty spots between the branches and pulled them through. I decided to only do one side because I liked the asymmetrical feeling of the whole thing. Any way you decide to make your wreathe is the right way, as long as you’re present in making it. I could smell the leaves and flowers and the colors were so vibrant and it’s a lovely little nesting feeling you get when you create something lovely for your home.

So that’s it! That’s how I came to create an idea for a “found fall wreath” and lived my best, most present life while doing it! Hope all of you majestic people are making some righteous steps on your journey into growth and grace, and Being. Until next time, stay golden.

The light is red. Her Ford Fiesta comes to a stop. Her window is open. To her right is a pull off to a comic bookstore. To her left is a black car with his window down and music up. She sits in silence in the present moment and feels her vibrations push outward. 

You know the saddest thing? 

The car to her left silences his radio. She looks over and he leans forward- 

You know the saddest thing? 

Her eyes blink slow as she gives a nod. 

That’s my cousin. 

Her mind quickly questions: There’s no one in his car, does he mean the guy that was on his radio? —the haze of her mind lifts as she comes back to reality and says, 

Your cousin? 

Yeah… He died right there on that corner… 

Her head slowly lowers. He continues, 

I see him every day before work. 

Her head rises as she says, 

That’s really hard. 

He pushes a shrug and says, 

Yeah, it’s Manchester so… 

The light is green. As he pulls off, his car reveals a telephone pole crowned with a flight of metallic red heart balloons. At its feet kneel a congregation of candles. It is unclear how his cousin had passed but clear that he is missed.

She drives and hopes that him speaking truth to his reality helped to ease the pain of that reality. And that someday a collective mind-shift will take place. One where we continue to cope with grief through communication, with family or strangers through open car windows.

And that this flow of personal truth changes the narrative from the place you live, being an excuse that bad things happen, to the reason it doesn’t. We all travel this road of life together, it’s better when we can lean on one another for support.

[A story told in the voice of my Uncle Steve]

So anyways, we used to live up in “Goodnight’s” trailer park area, there was a cottage and we were paying $100 a month for rent for a cottage – it was a little small cottage and that. And an ex-state trooper lived across the street. Well, his daughter Ilene went out with my buddy, Richard. And we’d get stoned and everything else and we’d have kids from Trinity High coming and buy weed from us and that.

All of a sudden Richard turns around and goes, “Fucking couch sucks- I’m sick of this couch!” So, he cut the legs off so now the couch sits flat on the floor. So, when you sit there your knees are up into your throat almost!

These chicks come in—this, this little dog kept on hanging around the neighborhood, so we gave the dog the name Ralphie. He was a small little dog. Well, Ralphie would go down to the brick house at the end of the street It was a restaurant that’s still there- the Brickhouse. And the people would say, “Oh he’s a beautiful little dog.”

Well, Ralphie would go because he knew it was food time at lunch time and everybody would be feeding him. He’d come back with a little food on his face and walk into his little room (plump)- fall- he’s asleep for the night.

He gets up and hears a knock on the door. We’re all hung over. “Can Ralph come out and play??” It was the kids down the street. Ralph bolts out the door- he’s gone all day! He’d come back tired and everything else.

Well, these chicks on the weekend came to buy weed from us. All of a sudden there sitting there on the low couch. Everybody’s getting hammered. All of a sudden Richard goes with Ilene into his bedroom. He comes back out and Ralphie’s there running around everybody- everyone’s passing the bowl and that- (growling/playing noise). And this dog’s flipping this thing around in his mouth. And this one girl’s going, “Aww, come here Ralphie!” And Ralphie’s there licking her face.

All of a sudden I looks and I sees there’s a string that’s attached to something in his mouth and I go, “RALPH! What are you doing! Come here!” And the girl goes, “What is that?” and Ilene comes out from the bedroom and she goes, “Did the dog come out here with something?” All of a sudden the girl sees it’s a used tampon in Ralphie’s mouth and goes, (puke sounds) and she starts throwing up and she couldn’t get up from the couch because it’s so low to the ground. All of a sudden Ralph is over there cleaning up! And he’s licking what’s she’s throwing up. And she’s really throwing up! A whole line of chicks are grossed out and they’re all throwing up.

Us guys go, “Well I guess it’s time to go down to the Salty Dog…”

Here’s the thing, we all do the best we can with the tools we have, right? Well then. The best I’m doing right now is playing out my “What-if’s”. And to me that means: Take the fear-based scenarios my mind plays out, acknowledge them, and take it a step further to see what I would do if the thing I thought about really did happen.

Also keep in mind, I’m still learning to accept that 99% of the things we worry about never actually happen. That’s a lot of energy spent on pretty much nothing. But until I fully grasp that concept, walking through the “What-if’s” helps to make the sudden stories less attractive and real-reality more attractive so… Here we go!

For me “What-if” questions lead to mind movies which play out the fear and make it tough to stop the story or even realize that I’m stuck in my mind to begin with. It’s goes like this:

I’m doing something, and anything triggers me; a sound outside, a word I write, or my mind throws a random “What-if” my way.

It is at this point my mind takes over with something fear based and I shrink and succumb to the emotion that the imaginary story presents.

REALITY: I’m in bed trying to sleep and the wind catches the screen door.

What-if situation: The sudden fear feels like when I learned about the boogeyman. My mind tells me that something is definitely trying to get into the house!

WHAT IF someone’s trying to sneak in!

WHAT IF it’s a monster – no!— an FBI agent who knew you smoked pot in your college dorm room is coming to arrest you – NO! – a serial killer who murders women with blonde hair, green eyes, slightly aged skin and looks uncannily like you – you fit the description! Yes, that’s it, the murderer found out where I lived, hid on the porch behind my plants and is trying to stealthily sneak in but made a mistake and I heard it!

WHAT IF I fall asleep?

Mind Movie: While I sleep the murderer quietly breaks in and slinks toward the bedroom, hunched over as if he were the Grinch—The Grinch! Now the murderer looks more like the Grinch, and has a funny little dog, but the dog is the creepy kind of funny. The dog must have gotten into a scrap because his back left paw is dragging slightly, and the overgrown toenails make a soft scraping noise against the wood floor. The murderer, who now has grown tufts of green fur on his face, hovers over my bed with both hands grasping a deer knife held high over his head. As I shift to find a more comfortable spot, the moonlight looming in through the window flashes against the sharp edge of the blade. The murderer takes a deep breath in and —

Oh hey! Welcome back to reality. There are many things about what just happened that I’d like to address. Let’s list it, shall we?

• Thing 1: While my mind was taking the driver’s seat and playing this story, I was not in reality. Anyone could have looked at me and seen that my mind was elsewhere. And also, if my mind is so concerned with me not getting hurt, I would still be in the present, because while I’m off in ‘la-la-scary-land’, I am vulnerable to anyone or anything that is in the present reality.
• Thing 2: While my mind was playing the story, I was feeling the feeling I would feel as if I were actually in the story. Fun fact, I’m not in the story. In real life I’m lying in bed trying to sleep, shopping for groceries, or hunched over my notes trying to figure out what the heck I want to do in my career.
• Thing 3: While I’m not present and essentially torturing myself, I’m using precious energy to create this mind movie, even more energy feeling the feelings not associated with actual reality, and what’s worse, leaving myself less energy to complete the goal at hand, which is to not be up all night and get sleep, focus, and get in and out of the store with my lungs intact, or figure out what the heck I want to do in my career.

It’s a vicious cycle. And if I chastise myself for doing this, I then feed into it. So, I do this thing called playing out the “What if’s”.

Essentially what this means is, I catch myself in a story, say at the part where the murderer was ready to plunge the knife, and I go, “Great question! What would I do if there was a murderer in the house?” Then I logically think through some options.

1. First, if it bothers me that the screen door slammed, I could make sure it’s closed. And if someone jumped out and stabbed me to death, I’d be dead. Well then. That sucks.
2. I could try and fight back and either lose or win.
3. I could call the cops on my cell phone.

At the end of the day, it’s really a 50/50 chance that I could win or lose the situation, and at that point, I’m sure my ‘fight or flight’ response would kick in and that poses so many more options, too many to think of.

My mind: This is getting boring, let’s see what there is to do in reality—oh look! My notebook with the goals I’m trying to achieve in my career! Or—Oh look! It’s now 2AM and I’m still not asleep or—Oh look! I’ve been at the store for over and hour and only have 3 items in my cart…

You see how that worked out? I can do that for ANY “What-if” my mind brings me.

          WHAT IF I ask for the promotion and get told ‘no’?

Great question, mind! What would we do if that happened? Game plan!

Option 1: Have a conversation as to why not

Option 2: Get angry and throw a fit

Option 3: Find another position

Doing stuff like this give me a bigger sense of control and brings logic back into something that would otherwise be purely based on emotion.